Journal Entry: I AM RENEWED

The Alcohol, Sex and Drug Abuse 

Starting college, I was open minded and naive, I knew what was right from wrong and I had no intentions on getting caught up in the situations I was in.

**Disclaimer: We are bigger than our mistakes and God will always forgive us.**

The only time I had alcohol was on my graduation night and after that night, I had pledged to never drink again, ESPECIALLY when college came around. When college came things changed tremendously, I started excessively
drinking to where it was every other day. No one knew the love I actually had for alcohol but one person that influenced it every time. Alcohol became my coping mechanism, it relieved my pain, I would solve my problems with the bottle not knowing that the problems would still be there as well as a hangover. I would say things I didn't mean to say or just say things I felt I needed to say, I can remember one night when I was out at a house party and this girl kept giving me shots asking me questions about the guy I was talking to and I didn't even notice what I was doing until I woke up the next morning and honestly I don't even remember the questions she asked or the things I told her, I just know that night she got a lot of information from me and I knew that was her plan. 

While being drunk....... the sex came. During the sex....... the "love" came. During the "love".... the pain came. During the pain.... came EVERYTHING ELSE! I learned a lot of lessons while having sex. I came to Alabama State University a virgin but as time grew I met a guy that I was very interested in and he kept me entertained.  One thing led to another and I lost my virginity on his birthday, drunk, and on the futon. So, by this time we had agreed to just have sex but feelings started to grow. Believe it or not, he was the first person to admit that he liked me but I was the first one to say the "love" word, I'm not the type to hide how I feel when I feel I should say it. Months grew, feelings grew, love/lust grew... Everything grew uncontrollably! I wasn't being treated as people would say "the right way" but I saw through everything that he did, he never lied to me about any of it when it hit the fan, he might have left some out but I was okay with that. The only thing that mattered was he was telling me what I wanted to hear. The pain grew and I got tired so a not so wise friend told me go and do what he's doing, so I did and whew..... that situation didn't go as planned. That not so wise friend wasn't even around to give her not so wise advice anymore, everyone always said "he's not your boyfriend, you can do what you want" and I was stuck in between staying and letting go. Everybody wanted me to use revenge, so I did! I did what I thought was going to make everybody happy. It didn't make me happy, it actually made me feel worse, knowing I had to hide a secret and knowing that I could possibly hurt someone. Oh, he found out in the worst way!!! It wasn't easy for him to forgive.. I mean we got back together but it didn't last, we ended, I honestly can't tell you why. We don't even speak anymore, it's like strangers with the best memories but just like Bryson Tiller said "exes change." I am forever praying for him though. 

The weed habit was not so strong during this time but when the "relationship stopped," my love for alcohol no longer remained because it reminded me of him. I drunk sometimes but not as much. The weed habit grew though, I smoked not to think of him. Smoking put me in a place to where nothing even mattered, I could forget about everything, including my school work..... There was a time where I smoked this particular person weed and I almost died, seriously, it was just a bad experience with weed that made me vow to never smoke again.. 

When I was done with drinking and smoking, I began to draw more closely to God and my relationship grew more and more each day. During the time, my fast meant nothing to me because I would still be doing the same thing, but at this time they started to actually mean a lot more. My problems got way easier to solve with God then they were with the drugs and alcohol. I knew the meaningless things had to come to an end, it was time to try a REAL approach. Not the petty approach that I used for two days but a lifetime approach, that is lasting and taking me a long way, it was time for to find God and give Him my all. God instantly started filling up every void and releasing my soul ties. Everyday there is an event in my life where I'm reflecting back and wanting to do old activities but God is keeping me. He is making sure I am safe and that I won't fall into temptation, I am thankful that He reached in, changed my heart, changed my mind, and most importantly HE RENEWED ME! 

Father God thank you for renewing me; thank you for allowing me to have the courage to spread this experience with everyone, I know there is so much more I have to share. God I ask that you allow this journal entry to touch someone's heart and allow them to realize what is hurting them. We ask that you take the enemy hands off of everyone that is blind and allow them to see what you have provided for them. We ask that you touch everyone that reads this post and allow them to see how you changed me and let them want to be changed as well, we love you and we praise your holy name. In Jesus name, I pray, we pray, Amen!